While I was writing my book, an unexpectedly enjoyable thing happened; I discovered that finding out what I completely and totally hated (fruit in kraut? Pretty much never for me, thanks) was actually fun! I tested many hundreds of recipes to get to the final recipes that are in Ferment Your Vegetables and most of them didn’t make it into the book.
There are a lot of reasons certain recipes didn’t make the cut. Some were too similar to others that were better. Some I knew I needed to test and tweak more and there simply wasn’t time. A very few, falling into a distinguished category, were just truly gross. All of those, I retested several times before giving up, because I thought something must have actually gone wrong in fermentation. As it turned out, nope. They were just epic recipe fails.
Whether or not the final product of fermentation is tasty can be subjective. So maybe you’ve tried something similar to one of the below and loved it (you’ll even find some hedging in what I wrote about these bad guys!). If so, that’s awesome. We probably can’t be friends and I’d like to not eat dinner at your house one day, but still, to each her own. For the rest of you, I thought you might enjoy sharing in the strange pleasure that can only come from a truly spectacular recipe failure.
Here are 5 recipes that never made it to the tasters or recipe testers:
Kale-chi – (Notes on the recipe: “What’s new bitterness, woah-oh-oh-oh-oh?”) I’ve fermented kale before and it’s fine when it ferments with friends, but on its own, it can get crazy bitter. I thought maybe, just maybe, kimchi fixins would temper the bitterness. Then I thought if I found the right number of days to ferment, the bitterness might not be an issue at all. Turns out, nope. The only thing that tasted kinda good was the unfermented version, and Phickle doesn’t not ferment fermentable things. (Come on now).
Garlic Scape Pickles – (Notes on the recipe: Jake-“Never serve these to anyone.” Me-“Flavor amazing. Texture, string-like and terrifying.”) I wanted so badly for this to work. Mostly because I had what I thought was a stunning idea for the photo. Yes, yes, mock if you will, but I was really excited about how beautiful these would look wrapped in the jar when a pro photog got her hands on it.
Since the photo was so important to me, I only tested this recipe with whole scapes, which I just learned was at least partially responsible for their horrible texture. Carly and Dave over at Food & Ferments just released a limited edition garlic scape pickle that is off the charts awesome. Their method—smaller pieces, longer fermentation—makes for a killer pickle. So when the next scape season rolls around, make sure to chop first and go long on fermentation and you’ll be a happy, stinky camper. Just goes to show that a little flexibility can go a long way in fermentation.
Guaca-kraut – (Notes on the recipe: “When the avocado amount is small enough to avoid the rancid smell/flavor, you can no longer really name this anything related to guac.”) Guacamole is my fat of choice. I could honestly, easily eat a bowl of it or a salted avocado every day and still crave more.
I’ve had mixed results incorporating fats into kraut in the past. They tend to go rancid quickly and make for some pretty off smells. I was determined, though, to get the ratio right so that it would work as a thing that could sit in my fridge for a good long while and serve as a tasty, protbiotic guac substitute when I didn’t have the time to whip up a batch. My determination did not pay off. Anything other than the negligible addition of avocado led to gross texture, unpleasant colors and rancid flavors.
Mustard Seed Carrot Kvass – (Notes on the recipe: “Farts. Just farts. Why is this farts?”) If you checked out the table of contents on my book launch day post, you may have noticed that there’s a whole chapter on vegetable kvass. I spent a lot of bandwidth testing kvass recipes. I developed some herb kvasses that I really loved, and I thought, hey, why not a spice kvass? I tried a couple that were okay but needed more tweaking, but I thought a mustard seed kvass (mustard seeds are great additions to krauts and pickles!) with a little carrot would work out wonderfully. I was wrong. It wasn’t wonderful. It was traumatic.
Sometimes when the smell is off in a veg ferment, it may just need a couple more days of fermentation, or maybe a little time in the fridge before it’s ready. Sometimes the smell isn’t great (I’m looking at you, pickled Brussels sprouts), but the taste is. In this case, the smell and the taste were both horrifically farty. I regret all four sips I took before this went down the drain.
Piña Colada Kraut – (Notes on the recipe: “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!) I saved the worst for last. In the sauerkraut chapter of my book, there are several recipes that I affectionately, and privately refer to as my “weirdo krauts.” If you’ve got the book, these include favorites like Sauerkraut Satay (page 90) and Mediterranean Kraut (page 87). The weirdo krauts in general are some of my very favorite recipes in the book, and tasters and testers have strongly agreed with me, so it’s not like I regret the experiments. Some of these attempts, however, were nearly as successful as a Trump combover.
The worst of the lot was the Piña Colada Kraut. Every bite—every thing—was wrong with this kraut. I tried with a lot of different kinds of coconut (fresh, dried, shredded, sweetened, unsweetened, milk, water, etc) and the results either tasted not at all like coconut, had a really not good (slimy) texture or had a super oxidized, unpleasant flavor. The pineapple experiments were worse: dried, candied, fresh; it didn’t matter. All efforts produced a sulfuric, nose-destroying funk that brought tears to my eyes. This was definitely the worst fermentation experiment I’ve ever done, and that’s coming from the person who has grown some pretty impressive moldscapes in recent times.
I promise, I’m not telling you not to try this at home. Although these were some of the worst things I’ve ever tasted, I don’t regret my efforts for a minute. The spirit of fermentation (and the spirit of my book) is about finding what works for you, and quite literally, playing with your food. Sometimes spectacular failure is the most fun you can have in the kitchen.
So, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever made? Share your pain in the comments.
Ksenia @ At the Immigrant's Table says
This was absolutely hilarious! Good on you for sharing the disasters as well as the successes.
Amanda says
Thanks, Ksenia! I totally agree! Wild fermentation is far from a perfect process, and it is important to make mistakes (and tell people about them when you’ve got a platform :-))
Lisa says
Thanks for the laughs this morning! What a fun read! The scapes really do look amazing, though! 🙂
Amanda says
Thanks, Lisa! I tried so hard to make them work :-). And I got to use the photos here, so I guess I’m happy now :-)!
Karen says
Too funny! Thank you for sharing. It’s hard to show our mistakes, but sometimes things just really don’t work out. Good to know for future fermenting 🙂
Amanda says
Thanks for reading, Karen!
Kyris says
Thank you! It’s good to know that others fail and you wrote it so entertainingly. Love your site.
Amanda says
Thank you Kyris! I do appreciate it. And I don’t mind the fails (although I do mind their smell :-)).
Dena Shunra says
Thanks for doing that valuable research – so we don’t have to.
The only one of these that I’ve tried is the garlic scapes (same pretty wrap-around in the jar, same sad results.)
I’ve had a couple of other bad mishaps, mostly in search of a fermented sauce called “amba” – which I cannot buy in the U.S. and have spent some years trying to replicate. The sauce is popular with Iraqi emigrants, but seems to have an origin in India, where it may possibly involve fermented green mangoes. Let me tell you, there is an unending supply of bad ways to pickle mangoes.
There are good ways, as well, and the one *good* way that yielded things almost (but not quite) like the amba I was seeking seems to involve pickling green mangoes with fenugreek and mustard seed.
But there are a whole lot more HORRIBLE, SLIMY things one can do with a mango and saltwater.
::shudder::
Amanda says
I love amba (born and raised near Detroit, so Near East foods were a part of my upbringing), but I didn’t know it was traditionally fermented! I can definitely see how that would be an issue, since fruit is going to veer wine or slimy if salted. Still, I applaud the effort and I hope you crack it.
Thanks for reading and for all of your Twitter support!
Marybeth says
I have had an epic fail on just plain old sauerkraut. That has caused some major loss of confidence!
Amanda says
Oh no! I hate to hear that, Marybeth! Don’t lose hope, though! You can definitely do it. If you know what went wrong the first time, that will make it easier the next time. A great place to diagnose ferment issues is in the Fermenter’s Kitchen Facebook group. It IS a group, so some answers will be wrong/weird, but if it’s a common problem, you’re likely to get a good, crowdsourced answer. Of course I will also help you if I can!
Laura says
Mental notes taken. I tried to pickle whole scapes and agree with the stringy-ness. It was actually a vinegar base (bread & butter style) instead of a ferment. Seemed like it was mostly the grassy tips, so I chopped up the rest and still ate because the flavor was awesome.
Latest ferment fail was pepperoncinis. The crunch is there, but the flavor is lacking, like dirty socks. On a positive note: my first ginger bug that I thought died (overfed?), and couldn’t bear to throw out, came back to life; and I’ve got some killer ginger beer in the fridge now! Thanks for sharing all your phickling phun, even the phails (that’s how we learn & grow).
Amanda says
Haha! You are welcome! Thanks for sharing your tales of woe (and your tales of yay!). I hope never to experience dirty sock ferments, but I feel relatively certain that hope is in vain. 🙂
Shelby says
Thank you so much for your stories. My first attempt at lacto-fermentation resulted in some very impressive, what I’ve termed, “mold-bergs.” I have not tried fermenting anything since. Well, nothing in a jar. I make sourdough regularly and pickle (with vinegar) and can jams and preserves. I just get really sad when something so promising comes out so nasty and disappointing. After my mold-berg experience, I have invested in a variety of very nice jar weights!
Amanda says
Thanks for sharing, Shelby! You are not alone. The nature of wild fermentation is that sometimes stuff goes wonky, despite your best efforts! I do hope you give it another shot. Keeping things submerged should go a long way towards giving you perfect pickles!
Emily says
Yes! Haha, it’s nice to hear and see someone fail sometimes. It makes us DIY fermenters and picklers feel less crappy about our failed attempts. Thanks for sharing.
Amanda says
Thanks for reading!
Theresia says
From failures we can learn a lot! This was a humorous post. Thanks for sharing, Amanda.
Amanda says
Thanks for reading, Theresia!
Jerelle says
Thank you for sharing and for all your hard work. I have learned a lot from you and gotten more bold. I have actually had great success with fermenting homemade guacamole by adding leftover liquid from fermented green beans as a starter culture. It still tastes awesome after two months in my fridge! As far as garlic scapes, I actually fermented a quart of those, and left them whole, over a year ago. They ended up in the back of my fridge, and I have yet to try them. Perhaps they have fermented long enough to lose the stringy texture? 🙂
Amanda says
I hope so, for your sake! The Food & Ferments version of garlic scape pickles is freaking amazing! I’m parceling them out slowly so I’ll have them around for a long time. Hopefully the same will be true of your long-term guys! Thanks for reading.
Kelly W. says
Your notes on the recipes are hilarious, and thanks for the reminder that documenting failures is just as important as documenting successes.
I wonder if the pineapple problem was that enzyme, bromelain. Once I tried a second ferment of milk kefir with a chunk of pineapple. So gross. But maybe that enzyme only affects protein.
Amanda says
Interesting, Kelly. I have no idea! Pineapple is actually a really common addition to kraut. It was on my list of things to try for a long time, but when I finally got around to it, I could just not find a way to make it work. Maybe it’s me! I don’t know! But I do know I really, really hated it :-).
PS – Your elephant is AMAZING.
Nicole Novak says
Well, if I wasn’t so exhausted from today’s shenanigans in the fermenting world, I would probably be laughing but instead I AM APPLAUDING you for saving my butt AGAIN. I started my hot pepper seeds last January. They are now red and beautiful peppers lovingly picked and in my fridge waiting for my wizardry in creating a BRAND NEW RECIPE for fermented hot peppers with the goal being the best hot sauce IN THE WORLD. Somehow, somewhere in the labyrinth of Facebook someone gave me a “great” idea. She is using the rind and core of a pineapple in a hot water short term infusion to create her brine for her hot pepper ferments. I tried for an hour to find the post and could. not. find. it. So……while I’m sitting here all slumped over and frustrated, your blog pops up. I read it with great amusement and then I get to the part about fermenting pineapple…….OMG, what if I put this pineapple brine into my ;peppers that took me 10 months to grow and nurture and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life? So, THANK YOU AMANDA, I’m going back to the tried and true salt brine. If I want to add pineapple to my finished pepper sauce, the world will continue to turn and I won”t feel a bit bad about it. BIG HUG!!!! Nicole
Becky says
That garlic scape ferment is SOOOOO pretty.
Thank you for the entertaining read and the sharing of failures.
Pamela says
It was actually a refreshing change to see someone listing things that didn’t work instead of pushing ideas they feel are “the greatest ever” which we as readers here so often it means little anymore. When I was a kid almost every pickle recipe my mom tried would have been included in this list. I’m not sure what it was but my mom and homemade pickles just were NOT made to be together in life. She finally, when I was well into my 20s or even 30s she sat on the table at a family meal a pickle that was actually pretty darn good. For her, it was quite an accomplishment. Just think of that Andy Griffith episode where Aunt Bea makes homemade pickles which the “boys” say taste like kerosene. There you have my mother’s pickles. But back to this article. Somehow just the name of Pina Colada Kraut should indicate this recipe just isn’t meant to be. There ARE some food ideas out there that should have been left in the thinking phase and this is one of them.
Ann says
My 12 year old son and I laughed a lot at this post – especially the mustard seed carrot kvass!!!
Thank you for sharing your fails with us. I tell my kids all the time that we often learn more from mistakes than successes. If everyone shared more mistakes, maybe we all could learn from each other and wouldn’t have to repeat them!
Kathie says
I saved beets from my CSA share for the last month in the hopes of getting enough to pickle just a few pints. Saturday was that day and I had what I hoped was a great recipe from Cooks Illustrated DIY cookbook. Pickled roasted beets – doesn’t that sound great? I love roasted beets. Per the instructions, I roasted the beets and THEN peeled them. That was a pain. Should have just peeled them first. then I cut them down to size and added them to the brine and canned them. They look really pretty but from the small amount I have left over, they taste really bad. 🙁 To make matters worse, I made more of that same brine recipe and made a refrigerator version (as opposed to canning) using up all my green tomatoes. Today is when I saw your recipe for tomato apple chutney. *sigh* Maybe in a week they’ll taste better.
Amanda says
Hi Kathie,
It’s definitely always a bummer when a recipe doesn’t work out (especially if it’s Cooks Illustrated!). Such a bummer!
Emily says
We loved this article and shared it with fellow fermenters. Learning from mistakes it all a part of the process to becoming a better fermenter! My first attempt at making pickles was the worst! Haha. I’m much better now and have some cool recipes to share at spoiledtoperfection.com.
David Wallace says
Where is the kale-chi recipe? I found another site that said their kale kimchi was a success, so I’d like to compare the recipes.
Amanda says
Hi David,
I tried several iterations but that’s no reason someone else’s can’t be great! Fermented kale is generally a fail to me, unless it makes up a pretty small proportion of the totally contents of the crock or jar. I just find the bitterness unpleasant, but that doesn’t mean others will.
alliumstozinnias says
Refreshing to read someone admitting to true disasters. Nice writing to boot!
Leslie says
Fermented scapes.. that sounds like a potentially awesome pesto or dressing base!
Heather says
If nothing else, the pics came out great! Unique to share these fails when so many focus on just what works – Who knows how much time you have saved us all!
jeni says
Found your site for the first time from this post as I tried to google myself some hope for the terrible-smelling curried-cauliflower ferment I have going right now. This is a great story and a great way to sell your book, honestly! Way more trust for the person who admits failures!
B.A.Erlebacher says
I tried garlic scape pickles years ago, and they just didn’t ferment. I attributed this to the natural antiseptics in garlic, but after reading this post I’ll try again next season.
My favorite pickle fail story goes back to ancient times when I was a little kid. My father asked my tiny great-aunt how to make a crock of
pickles. Her instructions included measures like ‘a handful of salt’. Needless to say, her handful was a lot smaller than my father’s, and we ended up with a crock of pickles so inedibly salty that they burned your mouth. AFAIK, they did ferment more or less normally, so maybe this isn’t such a pickle fail story, as an example of how far off you can get and still have things ferment!
Btw, I like your book. I was into fermenting 20-25 years ago, and except for the annual gallon jar of cukes, I fell out of the habit. I tried your curry cauliflower pickles and they taste great. So I’m inspired to get back into it, especially now in fall that suitable veggies are cheap and plentiful.